A challenging start
In 2019 I became a Mother to my first daughter. I thought I had prepared for the experience in as much depth as possible, I had the ‘equipment’, rallied my support and prepared myself for the newborn cocoon and the life changing reality that I knew was on the horizon.
What I didn’t prepare myself for was the challenges I met with breastfeeding. I was shocked at how difficult I found it, both emotionally (with the weight of responsibility resting all on my shoulders) and physically through the discomfort that I experienced.
After ten days of struggling mentally and physically I developed mastitis and was so depleted, and depressed, that I chose to switch to exclusively feeding formula. My breastfeeding journey came to an abrupt end and I was utterly heart broken, but also in some way felt relief that the survival of my little one didn’t only rely on me and my body.
Getting a second chance
When I became pregnant with my second baby in 2022 the first thing that came to my mind was how vital I knew it would be that I prepared for my postpartum period, and specifically I felt that I needed to work with someone before I gave birth to allow me the best chance to breastfeed. I was getting a second chance.
When I was around 6 months pregnant I contacted Baby Umbrella and spoke to Laura to see if there was anything we could do together to set me and my little one up for a gentler experience. I was so grateful to be one of the very first people to receive one of their beautiful Listening Sessions. The space was held so beautifully for me to process and talk through my previous journey, to voice my worries without any fear of judgment, and then to discuss options that could help us this time round.
I desperately wanted to breastfeed, however I also knew that I needed to be very compassionate with myself in the process because of the previous, very emotionally charged experience.
Preparing myself to be open to a non linear feeding journey
I prepared by ensuring I had bottles of formula to offer if I needed it. I armed myself with additional healing support. I set up my postpartum period to be as supported as possible with nourishing meals, assistance from family and a support team on the end of my phone if I needed them. I fiercely protected my postpartum bubble because I knew that I needed no additional stressors or pressure placed upon me in that very tender time.
My daughter was born through an elective Caesarean Birth between Christmas and New Year in 2022. It wasn’t the birth that I had hoped for, but due to her being in the footling breach position, I had chosen to have an abdominal birth.
Unlike my first daughter, my second instantly wanted to latch on to the breast, so I had plenty of opportunity to work with her and explore what this feeding journey could look like.
Honouring two very different babies and two different birth experiences
It was clear quite quickly that she was very hungry and I was struggling with pain, exhaustion and could feel the familiar emotional wobbles from before. With the support of midwifes and my husband we decided to begin combi feeding her at that point. I knew that mentally I had to be healthy not only for my baby, but also my older daughter who was at home waiting for us.
Once settled at home I contacted Baby Umbrella and felt instantly supported. With guidance and such loving support, I began pumping to allow my breasts to heal a little after being in hospital and to maintain my supply and after a day or so I felt confident enough to try latching her again. Gradually I got more confident and started switching to more feeds on the breast and less feeds from the bottle. Over the first few weeks it was a wild ride of pumping, feeding and supplementing with formula and I will be honest and say it was exhausting, but also empowering to be taking a little control in our journey.
Growing in confidence, little by little
After a few weeks I felt confident enough to begin going to some of the drop in sessions that Baby Umbrella offered and those times were absolutely transformative to my journey, combined with the wonderful online lactation support that they also offered. Every time I wobbled and thought that I was coming to the end of our breastfeeding journey, someone offered me a little nugget of wisdom that gave me the spark to keep going.
On one very particularly tricky day I thought that our breastfeeding story had come to a halt, I was devastated, but I had a call with Andrea and she suggested side lying feeding. I had never managed to do it before but I was at the point I would try anything and decided to lay down in bed and give it a try. This moment changed everything.
Somehow my little one latched to my breasts so beautifully and fed better than she ever had done. We ended up co-sleeping and soon turned to breastfeeding exclusively through the night, something I had never imagined we could do.
We found our rhythm and I topped her up with 1-2 bottles of formula a day. Which if I am honest, I could never have imagined being able to do when she was first born. Around 6 months she started to drop the day time feeds on me and favoured the bottle, but at night we kept exclusively feeding until she was around 9 months old.
At times I felt a lot of grief that our breastfeeding journey was not what I had hoped for, but in those moments I allowed myself to feel sad, and also focused on what we had managed to achieve together. Those moments of just me and her are some of the proudest moments of my life.
Sharing some of my learnings
I learned a lot, and my hope is that I can share a few things here that might support another Mother as they navigate the undulating journey of early Motherhood…
♥ Let go of comparison
While it is hard not to compare ourselves to others, it is so important to remember that everyone is on their own unique journey in Motherhood, and what you see is not always the whole story.
♥ One feed, one breath, at a time
It can be easy to get overwhelmed by the sheer vastness of what it means and feels like to be a Mother, particularly in the early days, so returning to focus on what is right in front of you can help prevent thoughts from spiralling. Just take it one day, one feed, one breath at a time.
♥ There is more than one way
If I could go back and speak to myself in the first few days of breastfeeding my first baby, I would tell that version of me ‘it is not all or nothing’ and that ‘you don’t have to choose just one way’. There are many different ways that a feeding journey can look and that is totally unique to us.
♥ Remember you are both learning
I can remember a distinct time when I realised that while I was trying to learn how to take care of my little one, she was also learning how to exist in this world as well. We were both new at this, even with my second baby because we are new Mothers whether it is our first baby or our fifth!
♥ Compassion, compassion, compassion.
I can’t emphasize enough how important it is to view ourselves through the lens of love and compassion. To be gentle with ourselves when we struggle, to celebrate even the tiniest of ‘wins’ and to give ourselves grace as we navigate the journey of Motherhood.
Becoming a Mother, and journeying through the incredible rite of passage that is Matrescence, is a path of two sides and is full of paradoxical feelings. Gratitude and grief, excitement and overwhelm, joy and worry - I hope that by reading these words, and the words of others, and understanding that there is not really a ‘normal’ when it comes to this experience, can soothe and nurture anyone stepping onto this path in whatever way that looks.
Lauren Barber
Stories of early parenthood
One of the things parents often say when they’ve recently had a baby, and even more so when they've had a difficult journey, is why did nobody tell me that this was going to be so hard? Why did nobody tell me the truth about breastfeeding, or birth, or sleep, or the emotional transition, or the physical recovery? If I'd have known some of this, I could have prepared myself... and maybe I would have known better if something was wrong.
We'd like to start to tell some of these stories. Every story you will hear here is unique, but it can still be helpful when you’re going through a difficult experience to realise that you’re not the only person who's been through this, that someone else has been here before.
So we want to open up the floor to you all and give anyone who would like to a chance to tell their story of early parenthood - both the joyful parts and the challenges you faced. Not just the shiny story on Instagram or Facebook but the truth of the things that were beautiful and delicious and wonderful as well as the difficult things, the things you might have struggled with, the things you miss from your old life, the things you regret or you wish you'd known.
If you’d like to contribute to our stories of early parenthood we would be really happy to hear from you. Please email or message us.
We hope you enjoy the series and do let us know what you think.
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